Goodbye, goodbye.

Have you ever noticed that it’s the people on the periphery of your life that are the ones unlikely to cause you hurt? Nothing wholly unexpected, let’s face it, you can’t let everyone in, it’s impossible to keep everybody close. That said, are there ever any right people in your life to get hurt by? Perhaps the thing with emotions like being disappointed, letdown or being betrayed is that it’s always the people you love the most who’ll be behind any pain you experience.

Take relationships, if you’re unhappy to a point where you want to stray, you just end things, don’t you? If you feel like you have the desire or need to try something with someone new whether on an emotional or physical level, then by all means, have at it. When things end between two people, one will always experience more hurt than the other, that’s just life, but it’s better not to be living a lie rather than misleading or being misled by someone. No one wants to be a pity project, to be a boy or girl that someone stays with just because it’s convenient. Some of us will happily settle for being safe in a relationship but only if you’re both on the same page, it’s a wonderful thing to be someone’s everything.

Life happens though, things change and you can begin to question everything you thought you once knew. It’s easy to think that nobody should be trusted but that’s no way to spend your waking hours. Why shy shouldn’t you hate someone if they’ve done the worst thing to you that anyone can do to anyone else? Let someone think that they’re appreciated and loved and then show them unintentionally that it’s all fake? What do you do, how long does it take for you to catch someone in an untruth?

We play, we pretend.

The ping of a notification signals an incoming text message just as the moon turns blue. A phenomenon that happens once nearly every three years. The moon thing, not the texts, although the regularity would be about the same. The ghost of a girlfriend past, she’s probably drunk as per. ‘Can we meet?’ You have to marvel at the stones on her, you couldn’t mark her neck with a blowtorch. Two people in the world know how much she messed up previously but that number is only so low because one person wasn’t interested in a battle of ‘he said, she said’. It must feel pretty good on some level to invent a story that’ll satisfy you, to placate as many people as you can peddle bullshit to and pretend that it actually happened. Doesn’t there come a point where you don’t even care enough about someone to set the record straight? What annoys most is the fact that there was no anger or humiliation, betrayal was the order of the day, feelings crushed by a girl who was supposed to a be a best friend and someone to grow old with. She’s not the woman most people thought she was. Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, I fucking deserve it.

When the walls of denial are finally broken down and you get the other person to finally admit to themselves that we’ve been lied to, we can go one of two ways. Try and find some sort of messed up path in your mind that you’ll be able to justify their lying and get past the infidelity and/or emotional turmoil or realise that you’re worth more and that it’s better to cut ties altogether. Nobody needs to keep pulling on a particular thread, to continue with something that isn’t ever going to end well. Once the dust settles, you’ll know you were right to trust yourself.

So we catch up, curiousity often gets the better of us. In my experience, anything can be fixed she said. In my experience, she was full of shit. In the end, all that was offered that meant anything was a barely audible, ‘I’m sorry’. There’s so much that I should tell her about the way she made me feel but frankly, she deserves no more of my time. I was out of there faster than A-Train on Compound V, you can’t negotiate with a man who doesn’t need a particular person in their life, especially if it’s someone who messed you about. The more baffling thing is you now have someone who has the temerity to cheat on their current boyfriend. You think I didn’t know? I debated long and hard about turning around and saying something but I didn’t. It makes sense that if you waste a second of your life hoping that someone will suffer for what they did, then you’re allowing them to hurt you again. Fuck that feeling shit shit, there are millions of us that deserve better. Walking away, what should be an awful moment feels like anything but.

Kiss the way we were goodbye.

@TheSamMcLeod

Not right or wrong.

Boldness or shyness, happiness or sadness, like or dislike, love or hate, all just normal emotions although they happen to be at the polar opposite ends of each other. You can feel both conflicting things in the same moment though, can’t you? Some balance of two of those at any time would be nice but you can’t always get what you need or want. Just dichotomies, the world is full of them and we don’t always realise that they’re everywhere in all of our lives. It’s like wanting to be in a relationship but also still having the freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want.

Now and again, maybe it would be cool to consider some of the things that are going on all around us. It doesn’t hurt to be aware of stuff going on in the world that we don’t acknowledge as much as we should.

The first Tuesday in November is rapidly approaching and US citizens will go to the polls to choose who they want to be the man in charge for the next four years. Voting to elect officials is a freedom afforded to many countries around the world and the process means that we all get to have a tiny say in how our countries are run. Many of us realise just how important this is, yet not everyone that’s eligible to vote will bother turning out. It’s not just an issue that affects America, there are plenty of other countries where nationals are apathetic about having their voice heard. Counter that with people in too many others to mention that will walk for hours to place their ballot in a box because they appreciate the significance of what they’re doing. To one person, being able to vote is incredibly important; to someone else it’s a burden, something treated with indifference. Governments will spend millions of (insert currency here) to save the life of a child and then drop bombs on schools without a second thought. It’s a fucked up world sometimes.

Dichotomies aren’t just a political thing, they’re in all walks of life. When you meet someone new, you can either want to know everything about them or next to nothing at all. It’s all part of that initial excitement, no answer is wrong, whatever works for you works for you. Perhaps one of you likes to do anything and everything on a whim and the other likes to make more considered decisions. Therein you have the difference of context in whatever your relationship is going to become.

You can be a joker with everyone around you but still be a deep thinker. There will be people in your life who can’t stand you and others who can’t live without you. Wouldn’t you rather ignite those polar opposite feelings than have people not care one way or the other? At least then you know who and what you’re dealing with.

That one tune you hear for the first time that you can’t stop listening to whilst not having an appreciation of how someone else might hate it because of reasons personal to them.

Somebody’s heart is broken and it becomes your favourite song.

A common saying is that school days are the best of your life, different for everyone though, right? Whilst some of us were fascinated by Pythagorean theorem, calculus and combinatorial mathematics, others would stare at the clock continuously wishing it to tick faster.

There were only ever really two kinds of people in our village when we were growing up, the ones who everyone knew would work minimum wage jobs and never leave, and those who couldn’t wait to get out. Neither choice is right or wrong. Bad or good choices are choices, it doesn’t matter why you make them, they belong to you. Some people who chose to stay are delighted with their lives and that’s a great thing, others wish they’d gone when they had the chance. Some left and found that their expectations of the grass being greener was misplaced, whilst others made it. Two of us chose to leave at the same time.

In completely different fields, in cities miles apart we both eventually made it, but sometimes eventually comes too late and isn’t enough. Life has a way of ripping you apart one minute and then making you happy the next. Dichotomy rears its head once more and in the most difficult of circumstances.

Lockdown rules mean that only 20 people can attend a funeral right now, it’s almost a lottery and maybe the only one you wouldn’t mind not winning. That said, you always want to pay your respects, especially when it’s your best friend. Another friend and I have a joke that Friday has been renamed to Friyay, but there’s nothing yay about this day. Having to social distance means not being able to give a mother who helped raise a boy she didn’t expect to a hug when she’s hurting beyond belief at the loss of her only daughter. Elbow bumping with a father and brothers who are all understandably utterly distraught is no way to show how much you’re feeling for them. Being introduced to a friend’s girlfriend for the first time is cool, she’s someone who’s also close to this beautiful family. The fact that she’s pregnant and will give birth to a son or daughter is heart wrenching, yet wonderful on a day like this. It turns out that it’s possible to cry sad and happy tears at the same time.

The circle of life.

Funny the way it is.

@TheSamMcLeod

There will never be another like you.

Childhood friendships are one of the hardest relationships to keep on top of as you grow older. You might move away, he or she might move away, you can drift apart for any number of reasons, just life getting in the way. Whilst change will always happen, a lot of stuff stays the same if you’re invested in each other. Moving away from someone geographically doesn’t change the fact that for a long time you grew up together, you just need to make the effort to stay in touch, and if it’s someone important to you, that should be minimal, right? If you fall out, you fall back in as soon as you can. Sorry can be a difficult word to say, but if you’re in the wrong, suck it up and get it done. Anyone who has someone in their life that they don’t see for days, months or even years but the bond stays as strong as ever is a lucky person. It’s good to keep those types of human beings around you, surrounding yourself with the right people can never be a bad idea, they’ll tell you what you need to hear when you need to hear it.

We all pick up new friendships along the way, but no matter how many new friends you make, your first best friend will always be close to your heart. There are a ton of things about a friend that you’ve known for most of your life that you just can’t replace, some memories will keep you both entwined forever. Never take those for granted, one day they’ll be all you have.

I didn’t know that we were out of time.

From the first moment we were paired together for a task during our very first day at school at four years old, it was clear that we would be a thing. It wasn’t a unique friendship that other people haven’t similarly experienced, just a relationship that was uncomplicated, neither person ever had to second guess the other. No need to when that care, love and trust for someone evolves over years and years. She was cool, someone you could be stupid with one second and then deadly serious the next, a minute spent with her was better than time spent with a ton of girls. There was zero romantic involvement, the friendship was more important and there was absolutely no chance that distance or time would change things. Sure, she had no concept of the time difference between Scotland and Sydney, but if a call comes in the middle of the night, it gets answered. One rule was made, if something was needed by the other, it happened. Promises from some friends, or from anyone are like bars at 5 in the morning, completely empty but not with her. Girls came and went on my side, boys came and went on her side but there was always that one person that could be reached out to if needed, no judgements were made, just honesty, love and support offered. Catching up was the best, she never looked at me differently decades later than she did on that first day. A smile, a cheeky smirk when she was giving me shit, it was no effort to enjoy her company.

An unexpected couple of days in hospital for an operation means a lot of drugs, a lot of unconsciousness but zero access to the outside world, email and phone included, physical movement was a near impossibility. Once some sort of lucidity returns, finding a couple of dozen missed calls, countless text messages and a bunch of emails is more than concerning. Every form of communication is returned as soon as possible but nothing comes back. Until it does, but from someone else close to her and it’s the worst possible news.

We never had that call that was clearly needed and the fault sits with one person. The effort, as little as it could and should have been wasn’t made and that’s something that will haunt forever. It’s impossible to fathom sometimes despite how well you know someone, what they’re willing to do to themselves to not want to be around any more.

You can be completely crushed and sad or take your own time to try and deal with heartbreak in your own way. There’s nothing wrong with taking longer to come to terms with your emotions than most other people might, there are no rules with grief. It might be healthy to try and deal immediately but there is nothing wrong with taking time to try and figure out what the fuck just happened.

Today, tomorrow, the next day, the day after that until the end of time will be just another one that goes by without her and they’ll each be full of guilt. It sucks when you let yourself down but that pain is magnified when you let someone you love down. Try to never break a promise.

There’s no sleeping you off my mind, I miss you all the time.

@TheSamMcLeod

Let this be our little secret.

In ‘1984’, one of the most seminal works of fiction, George Orwell wrote that, “If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. You must know all the while that it is there, but until it is needed you must never let it emerge into your consciousness in any shape that can be given a name.”

We all have our secrets, there is nothing wrong with keeping some things known only to you. Maybe what you don’t tell someone is worse than letting them know, choosing which decision to make can be troublesome though. Is sharing a secret a cathartic thing? If it only makes one of the people involved feel better, it would be selfish if you did it just to placate the feelings that you’re experiencing without considering how it might affect someone else. Pretty dick move, but it’s okay to look after what you want from time to time, isn’t it?

Would you take a second chance on yourself if it meant letting some secrets go? You just don’t let opportunities pass you by, at least not more than once. Giving yourself away, opening up, can be scary. You want to let people into your world now and again though. It’s fine to be private with your emotions, but then perhaps you realise some things about yourself that you’ve dodged thinking about for a long time. Saying no to what could have been the perfect job. Saying yes to the wrong person, saying no to the right person, regret is the worst. Can you change that around?

It’s hard to know what to do sometimes. Life is made of choices and not all of them matter that much, but then a different kind of moment comes along. One where things are changed forever, a few seconds or minutes that we might have thought about continuously. If you thought it was a good idea, you’d have made it already, wouldn’t you? You can always make wrong decisions, maybe you messed up the first time around. Will there be another chance? How about if you didn’t even know that a certain someone was a possibility, far less a probability? Self doubt can do one, decisions decisions, but a leap of faith isn’t the worst thing ever, someone always needs to reach out first.

Current relationship status? Staring at the dark.

Have you ever had a beer with a family member over Zoom? It’s ironically important right now not to become isolated and to keep in touch with family and friends in any way that you can. Catching up with one of my little brothers is always a cool thing, slipping back into conversation without months of being in touch is seamless. We talk shit about a lot of things, what we’ve been up to, sports, girls, memories about growing up. The drinks flow, and although we live hundreds of miles apart, soon to be thousands, reminiscing is amazing. There are a lot of mutual friends and each of us have caught up with a lot of them at some point. I tell him about a girl we both know that has a bit of a thing for him and he’s intrigued because he was blissfully unaware. Given that he’s newly single, he’s keen as mustard, it’ll work out or it won’t. Either way, always good to tip someone off if you know something that they don’t if it might work in their favour. A secret worth sharing.

He then returns the favour and tells me about a girl that asks about me all the time. Neither of us have seen her for a while, they speak regularly though, and she’s the kind of girl that all the boys who were ever in her company probably dreamed about. The asking didn’t just go one way but we never asked the same person about each other. She was everything that was important once upon a time but she never knew any of it, so it’s easy to know where the fault lies.

Sometimes the more you care about or like someone, the less you realise how little you’re letting someone in, you’re deceiving yourself rather than facing up to something that could be great. You can keep your feelings hidden for someone for an eternity and you learn to live with them. Some of the vowels and consonants that we shared weren’t lies but they weren’t full truths either, time to think some more about the one big thing that wasn’t talked about when it should have been. A secret that up until now was indescribable, words that were too difficult to articulate at the time. Speak up or keep quiet, you might as well take a chance. Fuck it, an email is composed, one secret won’t stay that way for much longer. On some level, it’s probably not even fair to ask the question, but wouldn’t you always want to know the answer rather than not? If you need to tell someone something, to share a secret, what are you waiting for?

How come it takes some people so damn long?

@TheSamMcLeod

Hurting, searching and learning.

Each one of us has our own preferences on many different things, life would be boring otherwise. Take food. If you like mushrooms, what the hell are you thinking? Tinned sweetcorn, there are no words, put the can opener away and donate those vegetables to a food bank. Smoked fish of any kind, have you lost your mind?

It’s the same when you choose to be with someone new, what’s your criteria? Finding out about someone’s personality can be a slow burner whereas looks are more immediate. What you find attractive though is going to be different from what someone else does. It can be a minefield because how we view ourselves is often different from how others see us. You look in the mirror every day and perhaps tell yourself that you’re a solid 6, but everyone you interact with might see you as an 8 or a 9. Clearly, we’re all our own worst critics and with that comes insecurity. It’s a reasonable reaction to think that people who are ridiculously attractive are out of your league, there will always be someone you like who’s a tiny bit intimidating. Are you just talking your way out of rejection though by not answering or asking the question? No one likes to hear the word no.

The liking of someone starts with the little things and then you start to realise that those qualities you’re looking for are right there. You’re falling but the penny drops, she’s way out of your league. Insecurity. You make me sick to my stomach, I wish that I wasn’t me.

An invite for dinner from a couple of friends comes via text. ‘Dinner on Saturday at 8pm, bring wine and don’t dare say no. My sister is in town, we think you’ll get on well.’ There is zero amount of money that could persuade me to say yes to a blind date, there’s as much chance of that happening as me becoming the starting QB for the Jets. Curiosity gets the better of me though and I check out her Twitter. Uh oh, looks like I’m going. Put me in, coach.

I rock up and get introduced. ‘Hey’, she said as I tried to fold my tongue back into my mouth and tried not to stare. Her smile holds my gaze, it’s kind of like that part of the FedEx logo, once you see it, you can never unsee it. Now is definitely not the time to be awkward or shy. The conversation flows as easily as the wine, the night goes better than expected and numbers are exchanged. Maybe this could be something, more likely it’ll be nothing. Insecurity. Before I’m even home though a message arrives asking when we can meet up again. The three day rule is obviously bullshit, right? There are some people you meet and you’re pleased to leave their company, she wasn’t one of them.

We hang out every day for the last two weeks of her trip, the personality is there to match the looks, she’s pretty cool.

Is it any surprise that book smart people sometimes act like complete idiots? Of course I messed up on her last day when she tried to kiss me and I put my hand out to stop it happening, the first time I’ve ever done that to a girl. I didn’t enjoy the look of confusion on her face, the tears on her cheeks, far less the sight of her walking away. It feels too quick but that’s where most men want to get to with someone like her, me included. I just don’t want to be hurt again, the i word.

A message comes from her sister. ‘Looks like you might’ve fucked that up?’ That’s like saying that the Titanic encountered an issue or two. Maybe her attitude softens when another one comes a while later asking if I’m okay. I’m miles away from being okay, I couldn’t see okay through binoculars right now.

You need to take a chance now and again, don’t you? Is it natural to want to try and stop your world from turning so you can figure shit out? It’s rare in life when everything you want lines up just right, but isn’t it true that the worst set of circumstances is always what your brain conjures up? Never mind what the reality is, the fiction always seems more real. Maybe you don’t get through discomfort or pain easily. Sometimes life throws you a curveball, a little roadblock on the place you need to get to. We might always have that tiny bit of self doubt, but perhaps you have to go with what you know in your heart and trust yourself. No one is out of anyone’s league, you might think that you don’t have a chance but how would you know if you haven’t even asked?

After being alone for a while, it’s strange when your thoughts start to include another person. A message is sent with an explanation, hoping for a reply. Time to wait.

Take a breath.

@TheSamMcLeod

Memories of a stolen place.

There’s a generally accepted train of thought that as you get older, your life becomes a little bit more boring than it was when you were younger. Perhaps it does end up slightly less exciting, a touch more tedious and not as filled with as much adventure as it once was was. Fair or not?

How long do you give something that you have going on but you know doesn’t make you happy to continue? Someone or something that’s stopping you from doing all of the things that you want to in your life? Mae West was bang on the money when she said that ‘You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough’. No one wants to get to a point in their life when you realise that there are a lot of things that you wish you could have done, zero point sitting around complaining about stuff when you’re the only person that can do something about it. It’s okay to feel fear, but once you know that you have to make yourself the priority, don’t you know that you might have a ton of fun once you look inward? If you are or have been unhappy in a recent relationship, shouldn’t you look after yourself first, just pursue your own wellbeing? Who wants to check with someone else before you do the things that’ll make you happier? Saying fuck it, I need to do me can be difficult but you’ll probably thank yourself for it later.

The Last Dance with Michael Jordan has been one of the better things to watch whilst we’re trying to occupy time right now. Isn’t it right that there’s usually at least one thing you remember from any book that you’ve read, any song that you’ve listened to, or any film or television show that you’ve watched? ‘To be successful, you have to be selfish or else you never achieve. And once you get to your highest level, then you have to be unselfish. Stay reachable. Stay in touch. Don’t isolate.’ Clever guy.

None of us are experts at life, it’s easy to become frustrated at whatever you have going on. No manual exists to help us decide what to do as we grow older. Mistakes will happen, we’re all selfish in our own way, but shouldn’t we all want to have as many joy filled days as possible? Isn’t it true though that you you can be selfless and selfish at the same time? What if a day comes when you realise that you can’t carry someone forever and you know that your own happiness is slipping away? It’s selfless to let them go but selfish for you just to do you in a way.

If you find yourself doing something that makes you think of a lot of things that you liked when you were younger, then aren’t you cheating yourself? Maybe it’s time to start making a list of everything that you need or want to do, to help you find your very own moments of magic and wonder.

I’ve made a list of things to do and say.

Things interfere with your world, sometimes in the greatest way imaginable, but now and again in a way that you wish had never happened. Love, need, want. Two out of three isn’t bad, depending on who your musical favourites are. Zero out of three isn’t a good batting average, and whilst intentions were made clear at the start that none of those things were on the radar or available, if someone chooses to stick around anyway, sometimes it’s easier to just let them. Pretty selfish, but an absolute waste of hours, days, weeks, months and years. It’s never nice for a relationship to become Sylvester Stallone, especially if you knew that’s exactly where it was headed for from the very first second. Sure, it takes risks to make a mistake, but aren’t there mistakes in all of our lives every day? Turns out that nothing is ever simple and nothing is ever perfect, but sometimes it’s of your own doing. Time to cut ties, one thing down.

A random act of kindness in helping out an elderly lady needing advice during her week long stay in a strange city ends up coming with an incredible offer. She’s made her own bucket list for 2021 and it involves travel. The problem is that she needs someone to house sit for her in Grey Lynn, one of the most beautiful areas of Auckland. Who would say no and why wouldn’t you help someone who needs it? Selflessness wins out, looks like guidebooks to New Zealand will need purchasing. One more thing that’s on there, hope the Kiwi ladies are ready for a kilt.

Telling a girl that nothing will ever happen between us because we want different things, no point jumping into something new on a whim. She’s beautiful, ridiculously out of my league, but looks aren’t everything, selfishness and selflessness combine, best for both of us, we’d only hold each other back. It’s okay to be honest with yourself. Three down, but plenty to go.

Snorkelling in Blue Pearl Bay once more, skydiving, getting lost in Venice, this time alone, visiting every one of my friends that live overseas, be prepared for a surprise.

When you feel like life is passing you by and there’s pressure everywhere around you to be at a certain level and place in your life, shouldn’t you be the only person to be the judge of when that is? Isn’t it boring to stay in the same spot, to have to grow up. Better to grow? If somebody’s boring you, chances are that it’s probably you. Time to mix it up, to discover some things or somewhere that’ll make you happy.

The destination, the place to get to?

The boy I used to know.

@TheSamMcLeod

Shine bright.

We’re all living in strange times right now. Some of the stuff we used to do every day are no longer possible. Not being able to catch up with family and friends in the way that you used to sucks. How much did you take for granted, how easy was it to go and watch your favourite sports team, whether it’s baseball, basketball, soccer, or any other sport you’d care to mention? Date night at a restaurant or the cinema has been off of the menu for a while. Life has changed, who would’ve thought we’d be wearing face masks or social distancing from each other? If you’ve been unlucky enough to contract coronavirus but lucky enough to come out of it the other side, you’ll have an appreciation of how lonely you can become when you’re stuck at home, especially if you’re single. It’s no wonder that subscriptions to sites like Netflix and Prime have gone through the roof, what else can you do when you’re not allowed to see anyone? How much terrible television can one person watch? Turns out a lot.

It’s easy to become anxious or stressed wondering when all of this will end, when you feel like everything is heading downhill at a rate of knots, overthinking is the worst, right? As everyday normal people, it’s no shame to admit that we struggle to deal with uncertainty because something’s thrown us for a loop. Apprehension, fear, nervousness, worry are all perfectly acceptable feelings to have right now, but perhaps you need to learn to be kinder to yourself, aren’t you doing the very best that you can? Striving for a sense of self can be more difficult than you think, experiencing a feeling of trying to run away from everything sometimes is understandable. It’s more than okay to know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind, we all have anxiety about different things, we all have insecurities.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, what your creed, gender or nationality is, everyone experiences anxiety or stress at some point, and whilst this year is only just over halfway done, it can already take a flying fuck to itself.

Everyone needs a reset button though, don’t you want to try and fill up your little bubble with as much positivity as you can? FaceTime, Skype or Zoom calls with family and friends, every little helps. Isn’t it amusing to see how out of control some people’s hair gets when they can’t get to a hairdresser? You find and take the humour where you can.

It is tough but you need to do whatever you can to make things as easy for yourself as you can, don’t you? Take a breath, smile as much as possible, even if it’s just for yourself, right?

They say you can’t, but you can.

Some of us have an innate ability to deal with all of these challenges easier than others. That said, just because someone else can’t explain the feelings or articulate the words about their anxiety, it doesn’t make them any less valid. An actual hug might not happen for a while but you can have as many virtual ones as you need or want. You might think that some people don’t worry as much as you do and that someone else is stronger than you are. It’s bullshit, maybe that other person just thinks differently, you’ve got this. Isn’t it true that you can’t always control what goes on in your inside? You feel what you feel. Give yourself permission to fuck up now and again, nothing wrong with that. Things are difficult right now but they’ll change eventually, fingers crossed, and then it’ll be the little things that are more of a concern to you. Maybe if this shitshow teaches us anything, it’s that there is zero point sweating the small stuff, why worry about things that might never happen? Now and again, we’re all unsure of who we are and where we fit in the world, and whilst all of this isn’t helping, don’t we need to have faith in whatever is around the corner?

If you haven’t done so already, maybe today is the day where you reach out to someone who perhaps appears not to be handling things as well as you are, someone who might be struggling with their self confidence. Just be a friend, be there. Nothing wrong with offering a shoulder to cry on or to lend an ear for them to tell you anything that they need to.

You’ve got empathy, support and sympathy but never judgement. You’ll also learn, if you’ve not figured it out already that I’ve got your back, and that I’ll care about and defend you forever. Forever ever. I’m not going to blow steam up your ass though, you will be told if you mess up, harsh love is still love. Just know that someone cares and appreciates everything about you, especially right now.

Your innocence is your USP.

@TheSamMcLeod

Figure it all out on your own.

If you’re a boy and you like a girl, you tell her, don’t you? Whether you’re just up for some fun or something more, it’s always good to know where you stand, to know if you even have a chance. What if you don’t speak up though? Khaled Hosseini was probably not far off of the mark when he wrote in The Kite Runner, ‘I opened my mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had, but I didn’t.’ Male pride or stubbornness is a terrible thing at times.

Moving on from someone who did a number on you is super difficult, but you know at some point that you’ll need to take chances and get out there and make yourself emotionally available again. It’s easy to play it safe and sure, it’s okay to have trust issues, no one wants to feel pain but you have to try, don’t you? We all do things from time to time that we desperately wish we could undo but now and again, the things we don’t do or say sting the most. Regretting the things we haven’t done and the chances we didn’t take can linger in your memories for a while. Sometimes there aren’t second chances. So what if you make a mistake and don’t get the answer you want? The thing is, we fall short on occasion, we mess up sometimes, every single one of us.

Watch me take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night.

It was only a smile, nothing more but one intriguing enough to turn heads. We meet up more and more, we hang out, although the time spent together is shorter than anyone would like. We didn’t need to have stupid fights just to make up because we never argued. How amazing is it to find someone who wants to hear about all of the things that happened in your day, who wants to hear everything that you’re thinking about? Do you ever have an appreciation of how badly you’re going to miss a moment whilst you’re living it?

Life does what it does though and things change, she moves away and I don’t ask her to stay or if she wants me to go with her. I didn’t know it yet but I’d just let the girl I’d been waiting on forever to walk away and didn’t do enough to make sure she’d come back. You never think that the last time is the last time. You have forever, right? Don’t you sometimes wish that you could go back to a specific moment in your life? Unfortunately you have to figure out which direction you’re going to head in, making a decision either way is surely infinitely better than not making one at all.

We drift apart, contact becomes less and less frequent. Birthday greetings on Facebook, the odd congratulatory message when something good happens to one of us. Who wants to have a relationship on social media though?

A few days ago, fate rears its head again and we’re in touch every day. I don’t know if she’s seeing anyone and she doesn’t know if I’m with anyone but that’s not where the conversation starts off. I know I want to build up to it though and then one night, I go big.

Next year will be a game changer, a new job, a new city and country to live in, new memories waiting to be made. Who wouldn’t want to make those together with someone special? Who wouldn’t want to come with? Not her apparently, I’m immediately shot down. If I’d been more committed previously and opened up, then things would have been very different she says. It’s not a nice feeling when someone tells you that you blew it by not asking a simple question.

I was almost good for her. She told me she was in love with me but because I never told her back, she doubted me. We almost made it but I didn’t tell her that I wanted more, the timing was always off for one of us. The ghost of relationships past.

A message arrives today inviting me for drinks with mutual friends. I’m an idiot most of the time but not tonight. I need to spend some time alone. Before I met her, life was good. After her? Now it’s just after.

She tells me that I’m only her friend for now but maybe something could happen in the future. The very definition of being friendzoned. I’m not going to stop being friends with her because she might like someone else but there’s a shift in the dynamic. She’ll always be a girl friend, just never a girlfriend. It’s just something that happened, or perhaps more accurately, didn’t happen. Time to get over it, I lost her, although I never really had her. What now? You can’t keep kissing strangers and pretend that it’s someone else. Watch her maybe be in love with someone else or come to the realisation that there is zero point in trying to hold onto feelings, better just to move forward. No other choice. I almost said something but almost was never going to be enough. What an idiot.

I think, that something’s fucking wrong with me.

@TheSamMcLeod

One heart that was broke in two.

‘Love is like friendship set on fire.’

Perhaps one of the hardest relationship questions you’ll bounce around in your head is whether or not falling in love with your best friend is a good idea. Sure, there could be potential in it, but you just know that it could be an absolute shitshow too. What to do? If your feelings aren’t reciprocated, it’s going to ruin your friendship, isn’t it?

Maybe a lot of relationships begin as friendships and grow into something more meaningful that’ll impact you in a big way. Do you take that chance? You can never know initially but that shouldn’t stop you from imagining a future with someone who loves you. There’s nothing wrong with waking up next to your best friend.

All you want from that significant someone is for them to be there for you, the one shoulder you know you can lean on when you need to, to be your everything. Someone you can laugh with, somebody emotionally comfortable enough with you that they’re okay if you ever cry. Too much to ask?

Common sense tells you to never fall for your best friend, they’ll break you. It’s easy to think that it might not be that way for you but how can someone be so naive to think that they’re any different to anyone else? You have an intrinsic awareness though that once you change the way you look at a friend, you go all in or you stifle your feelings. It’s funny how things work sometimes, you can fall for someone without realising it and so when you finally do, it’s too late. You can’t just switch those feelings off.

Maybe some of us know immediately who it is we’ll end up with and that’s cool. If you don’t know, you have to take a leap of faith. Chances are though, one of you is going to fuck up and spoil every shared moment that’s gone before.

Maybe you shouldn’t have gone there that night.

You don’t need to like someone from the first second you see them, but a friendship can start and progress from there. In the beginning of whatever this was, there was a lot of laughter and smiles. Until there wasn’t.

Cheating, infidelity, call it what you want but it’s a game changer. Is it worse to emotionally cheat on somebody? Calling, emailing, texting someone you shouldn’t be, that counts too, doesn’t it? You don’t accidentally bump into someone in a hotel and decide that you’re going to spend the night, a lot of work has gone into that arrangement. There are millions of people in the world who make good decisions every day, someone chose not to. Let’s face it, you can’t choose to be monogamous whenever you feel like it. None of us can ever ask for 101% from someone but 99% isn’t enough. Is there anything worse than betrayal, than being deceived by someone who you thought was everything? When you lie to someone, aren’t you also lying to yourself?

Maybe some positivity can come from bad things though, you end up appreciating the more humble part of yourself. You might not need it but a gentle reminder sometimes of how to treat people can never be a bad thing. You can take whatever you want from any experience, getting rid of toxicity is good, and whilst there’s bound to be a bit of heartbreak, don’t we all know we’re better off alone than staying with someone who is quite happy to knowingly hurt you?

Sometimes the hardest part of loving someone is that moment when the penny drops that the best thing you can do for them, far less yourself, is to let them go. It’s a shame when someone fucks up but better to know as early as possible what their character is really like. It’s okay to choose poorly on occasion, hopefully it makes you a bit cleverer the next time you’re in the position of picking someone that you want to get close to.

Spin it to your family, friends or on social media in any way that you want, only one of us ruined something built up for years for a relationship that lasted for hours. Turns out that best friends can become strangers a lot quicker than strangers can become friends.

Maybe you should have told a little less lies, maybe you shouldn’t have gone and ruined my life for one night.

@TheSamMcLeod

Don’t kid yourself.

If only. Are they the two saddest words in the world?

Despite what you might think of Hillary Clinton, she once nailed a thing with just 21 words. ‘Life is too short, time is too precious and the stakes are too high to dwell on what might have been.’ Maybe one of the things we all can ever do is to hope to end up with the least amount of regrets as possible. Sure, there will always some things that you wish you can change, but is it ever really that bad, or is it experience that you can draw on? Does the potential introspection make things any easier even if something wasn’t your fault? Sometimes your emotional bucket gets full and and it can be hard not to overthink things. The guilt in the nighttime, being in bed awake and replaying all of those things that you didn’t get right sucks balls. Nothing solves your insomnia better than a big fucking glass of regret and hating yourself for a while. If you do mess up though, don’t you make right the mistakes of your yesterday today? You’ll take a win in life all day long, sometimes you accept a loss but either way you get ready to go again, don’t you? Swim upstream, whatever it is, it’s something that happened, shouldn’t we all just try and get over it?

Mistakes are just things that happen to all of us, sometimes everything goes to shit. Each one of us does things that we wish could go back and do differently. Thing is, we don’t have to be defined by the things we did or didn’t do in our past. There is zero point in spending time trying to alter any of it, it’s like trying to eat soup with a fork or thinking you’ll win an argument with a lady, absolutely pointless. It’s easy to look back and regret things, but maybe smiling at what you’ve learned is better.

Perhaps the most important part of moving forward is realising that you appreciate that you shouldn’t second guess yourself and become emotionally vulnerable. We all sit in the front row of our own lives but who wants to let down their guard and show signs of heartbreak?

The devil’s right there, right there in the details.

New York didn’t happen but not for the reason you were told. Being lied to is perhaps a bit harsh, but what you heard from someone else was wrong and my heart hurts about that. Resurrecting our plan would be nice, one day?

I should have told you how I felt as soon as I knew how I felt. I didn’t, I messed up and now we’ll never be a thing. That’ll always be a constant source of regret, even though I’m happy that you’re happy with someone else. It hurts more than you’ll ever know, sometimes you can’t see what’s right for you is there in front of you. You are a Lamborghini and I was hanging on like I was cans on the back of a fucking wedding car.

We should have never even interacted or said hello to each other, far less kissed and gone further. When you’re hurting from a breakup, you open yourself up to things that you shouldn’t because you’re in a bad place. Maybe take a minute and try to identify if someone is toxic. Good luck to the next man in your life, it’s not going to be puppies and rainbows for that guy. When you begin to doubt someone and their intentions, it’s very difficult to stop that playing in your head continually. The bad stuff that happens doesn’t always fall on your side. If you have a bag of ten snakes and nine of them are harmless but one is poisonous, you’re not putting your hand in that bag, are you? Perhaps the good thing is when something ends that wasn’t right for you is that you learn to make your fuse longer.

The attention is flattering but I’m not a location, I’m a destination. Someone can be cool, have similar interests, be sweet, but when you get to a certain stage in your life, you know what will work and what won’t. Friendship is cool but more isn’t happening. No point talking someone off of the ledge every time they’re insecure about what might come next. As long as your moral compass is in the right place, it’s okay to feel okay with yourself. Don’t speak from a place of hate, speak from a place of love. There’s nothing wrong with liking not knowing where you’ll be tomorrow or the next day, taking a few risks is fine, as long as you know what it is you want.

You can be obsessed with details and sometimes your life needs a change of scenery, especially if something isn’t right.

It’s you right there, right there in the mirror.

Messing up today doesn’t need to impact your tomorrow. Regret, remorse, sorrow are all natural emotions. Accept the shit that comes your way when you’ve fucked up, but it’s not always your fault.

Don’t punish yourself, you’re looking too closely.

@TheSamMcLeod