There will never be another like you.

Childhood friendships are one of the hardest relationships to keep on top of as you grow older. You might move away, he or she might move away, you can drift apart for any number of reasons, just life getting in the way. Whilst change will always happen, a lot of stuff stays the same if you’re invested in each other. Moving away from someone geographically doesn’t change the fact that for a long time you grew up together, you just need to make the effort to stay in touch, and if it’s someone important to you, that should be minimal, right? If you fall out, you fall back in as soon as you can. Sorry can be a difficult word to say, but if you’re in the wrong, suck it up and get it done. Anyone who has someone in their life that they don’t see for days, months or even years but the bond stays as strong as ever is a lucky person. It’s good to keep those types of human beings around you, surrounding yourself with the right people can never be a bad idea, they’ll tell you what you need to hear when you need to hear it.

We all pick up new friendships along the way, but no matter how many new friends you make, your first best friend will always be close to your heart. There are a ton of things about a friend that you’ve known for most of your life that you just can’t replace, some memories will keep you both entwined forever. Never take those for granted, one day they’ll be all you have.

I didn’t know that we were out of time.

From the first moment we were paired together for a task during our very first day at school at four years old, it was clear that we would be a thing. It wasn’t a unique friendship that other people haven’t similarly experienced, just a relationship that was uncomplicated, neither person ever had to second guess the other. No need to when that care, love and trust for someone evolves over years and years. She was cool, someone you could be stupid with one second and then deadly serious the next, a minute spent with her was better than time spent with a ton of girls. There was zero romantic involvement, the friendship was more important and there was absolutely no chance that distance or time would change things. Sure, she had no concept of the time difference between Scotland and Sydney, but if a call comes in the middle of the night, it gets answered. One rule was made, if something was needed by the other, it happened. Promises from some friends, or from anyone are like bars at 5 in the morning, completely empty but not with her. Girls came and went on my side, boys came and went on her side but there was always that one person that could be reached out to if needed, no judgements were made, just honesty, love and support offered. Catching up was the best, she never looked at me differently decades later than she did on that first day. A smile, a cheeky smirk when she was giving me shit, it was no effort to enjoy her company.

An unexpected couple of days in hospital for an operation means a lot of drugs, a lot of unconsciousness but zero access to the outside world, email and phone included, physical movement was a near impossibility. Once some sort of lucidity returns, finding a couple of dozen missed calls, countless text messages and a bunch of emails is more than concerning. Every form of communication is returned as soon as possible but nothing comes back. Until it does, but from someone else close to her and it’s the worst possible news.

We never had that call that was clearly needed and the fault sits with one person. The effort, as little as it could and should have been wasn’t made and that’s something that will haunt forever. It’s impossible to fathom sometimes despite how well you know someone, what they’re willing to do to themselves to not want to be around any more.

You can be completely crushed and sad or take your own time to try and deal with heartbreak in your own way. There’s nothing wrong with taking longer to come to terms with your emotions than most other people might, there are no rules with grief. It might be healthy to try and deal immediately but there is nothing wrong with taking time to try and figure out what the fuck just happened.

Today, tomorrow, the next day, the day after that until the end of time will be just another one that goes by without her and they’ll each be full of guilt. It sucks when you let yourself down but that pain is magnified when you let someone you love down. Try to never break a promise.

There’s no sleeping you off my mind, I miss you all the time.

@TheSamMcLeod

In the heat of the moment.

You can find almost anyone that you can do everything with, but don’t you want to find someone that you can do nothing with? It’s easy to look at someone and know that you like them aesthetically, but doesn’t happiness come from something more than sexual chemistry?

We all know that you don’t need a certain other to make you happy, but it’s pretty cool when that new person comes along. Perhaps relationships are like arriving in a new city, when you explore, you find out more about yourself, you wander the streets with absolutely no idea about where you’ll end up. Sure, you love arriving, but one day it’ll have to come to an end and you’ll need to leave. Won’t you?

When you meet someone new and assuming that you really like them and don’t want to ever leave, you make promises to them, even if you don’t articulate your thoughts. Compliment them, treat them well, definitely no cheating, hopefully love follows. If they’re thinking the same things, then you’re set for life, right? You might look back later and realise that the greatest moments of your life will be those times when you went all in. Keep your promises, no need to put your hand on a metaphorical bible, but you know what you need to do. Promises are like crying babies in a cinema, they should be carried out immediately. It’s more than likely complete fantasy, but try and keep every promise that you make and only make those promises that you can keep would be a nice idea, wouldn’t it? At some point, don’t all of us want to be knocking on a very particular door? Some of us don’t take the time to appreciate the promises we’re making when we make them because none of us are infallible, it’s okay to fuck up now and again. It turns out that it’s not always easy to know a false promise from a true one. Stubbornness is in all of us at varying levels, but don’t we need to have the heart to say sorry when we’ve messed up? Maybe you’re never too old to be easily fooled, you can love someone but not yet learn about them.

You should have said sorry and it would have been okay. Four consonants and a vowel, just one word. Now?

Can’t sleep, can’t eat, my mind is a mess.

I was lonely but it was more than okay, because I like myself and my own company, and I didn’t need anyone, or at least I thought I didn’t. But then you came along, sparking something inside me like a forest fire. Things progress, promises are made, they’re said out loud to each other. Trips away, sneaked kisses in public, holding hands. Knowing glances, little winks, hugs, high fives, it’s beyond awesome to have a new best friend.

You messed up and you lied though, you broke your promises.

It only needed one word and it would have been okay again. It makes my heart hurt now when I remember all of those beautiful words that you said. I’m sitting here alone and it’s tough to breathe, because tears are falling from my eyes and they won’t stop. Despite them, I know that I need to keep try and build myself back up every day, tough as it might be, no one wants to be sitting for hours on the floor of the shower anymore. You need to know that you broke me that day, despite kissing me that morning as if you’d never done it before, and never would again. I’ve composed hundreds of messages to you, then I’ve hit the delete button. I’ve then tried to write more words that I’ll never be able to send. What does it matter now?

Time to leave for a while and try and ponder everything, to try and understand why you did what you did.

The stars are out and I wander these streets in a new city alone, thinking of all the memories that I want to still cling to. Every day, every kiss, night spent together is imprinted on my brain. Someone should have told me to try and capture every second, but it was too easy to get caught up in what was supposed to be an adventure starring two people. Fucking promises, it turns out that words can be twisted into any shape that someone wants them to be.

We could have been so amazing. Going to sleep beside you, waking up next to you, morning coffee, afternoon naps together at the weekend, late dinners, wandering through our city, through different cities holding hands, we could have been happy for the rest of forever together. Forever ever. Forever ever ever.

It’s late at night and it seems like no one else is awake. Staring at an impossibly beautiful view that you should be sharing, it dawns on me. I’m not your fault, you are your own fault, and despite everything, that makes me sad. For both of us.

I made a promise, you made a promise.

You said you’d be there through thick and thin.

@TheSamMcLeod

Am I too obvious to preach it?

The author John Green, quotes in his book “The Fault in Our Stars” that “Some people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them”

True story, it’s easy to promise someone something and not follow through. It’s not always the easiest to make a promise and then deliver.

I’m going on holiday in ten days time with someone close to me. I have made that someone a promise that is life changing for us whilst we’re away. Today, she upped the ante. Will either of us have the courage to follow through?