Hurting, searching and learning.

Each one of us has our own preferences on many different things, life would be boring otherwise. Take food. If you like mushrooms, what the hell are you thinking? Tinned sweetcorn, there are no words, put the can opener away and donate those vegetables to a food bank. Smoked fish of any kind, have you lost your mind?

It’s the same when you choose to be with someone new, what’s your criteria? Finding out about someone’s personality can be a slow burner whereas looks are more immediate. What you find attractive though is going to be different from what someone else does. It can be a minefield because how we view ourselves is often different from how others see us. You look in the mirror every day and perhaps tell yourself that you’re a solid 6, but everyone you interact with might see you as an 8 or a 9. Clearly, we’re all our own worst critics and with that comes insecurity. It’s a reasonable reaction to think that people who are ridiculously attractive are out of your league, there will always be someone you like who’s a tiny bit intimidating. Are you just talking your way out of rejection though by not answering or asking the question? No one likes to hear the word no.

The liking of someone starts with the little things and then you start to realise that those qualities you’re looking for are right there. You’re falling but the penny drops, she’s way out of your league. Insecurity. You make me sick to my stomach, I wish that I wasn’t me.

An invite for dinner from a couple of friends comes via text. ‘Dinner on Saturday at 8pm, bring wine and don’t dare say no. My sister is in town, we think you’ll get on well.’ There is zero amount of money that could persuade me to say yes to a blind date, there’s as much chance of that happening as me becoming the starting QB for the Jets. Curiosity gets the better of me though and I check out her Twitter. Uh oh, looks like I’m going. Put me in, coach.

I rock up and get introduced. ‘Hey’, she said as I tried to fold my tongue back into my mouth and tried not to stare. Her smile holds my gaze, it’s kind of like that part of the FedEx logo, once you see it, you can never unsee it. Now is definitely not the time to be awkward or shy. The conversation flows as easily as the wine, the night goes better than expected and numbers are exchanged. Maybe this could be something, more likely it’ll be nothing. Insecurity. Before I’m even home though a message arrives asking when we can meet up again. The three day rule is obviously bullshit, right? There are some people you meet and you’re pleased to leave their company, she wasn’t one of them.

We hang out every day for the last two weeks of her trip, the personality is there to match the looks, she’s pretty cool.

Is it any surprise that book smart people sometimes act like complete idiots? Of course I messed up on her last day when she tried to kiss me and I put my hand out to stop it happening, the first time I’ve ever done that to a girl. I didn’t enjoy the look of confusion on her face, the tears on her cheeks, far less the sight of her walking away. It feels too quick but that’s where most men want to get to with someone like her, me included. I just don’t want to be hurt again, the i word.

A message comes from her sister. ‘Looks like you might’ve fucked that up?’ That’s like saying that the Titanic encountered an issue or two. Maybe her attitude softens when another one comes a while later asking if I’m okay. I’m miles away from being okay, I couldn’t see okay through binoculars right now.

You need to take a chance now and again, don’t you? Is it natural to want to try and stop your world from turning so you can figure shit out? It’s rare in life when everything you want lines up just right, but isn’t it true that the worst set of circumstances is always what your brain conjures up? Never mind what the reality is, the fiction always seems more real. Maybe you don’t get through discomfort or pain easily. Sometimes life throws you a curveball, a little roadblock on the place you need to get to. We might always have that tiny bit of self doubt, but perhaps you have to go with what you know in your heart and trust yourself. No one is out of anyone’s league, you might think that you don’t have a chance but how would you know if you haven’t even asked?

After being alone for a while, it’s strange when your thoughts start to include another person. A message is sent with an explanation, hoping for a reply. Time to wait.

Take a breath.

@TheSamMcLeod

Shine bright.

We’re all living in strange times right now. Some of the stuff we used to do every day are no longer possible. Not being able to catch up with family and friends in the way that you used to sucks. How much did you take for granted, how easy was it to go and watch your favourite sports team, whether it’s baseball, basketball, soccer, or any other sport you’d care to mention? Date night at a restaurant or the cinema has been off of the menu for a while. Life has changed, who would’ve thought we’d be wearing face masks or social distancing from each other? If you’ve been unlucky enough to contract coronavirus but lucky enough to come out of it the other side, you’ll have an appreciation of how lonely you can become when you’re stuck at home, especially if you’re single. It’s no wonder that subscriptions to sites like Netflix and Prime have gone through the roof, what else can you do when you’re not allowed to see anyone? How much terrible television can one person watch? Turns out a lot.

It’s easy to become anxious or stressed wondering when all of this will end, when you feel like everything is heading downhill at a rate of knots, overthinking is the worst, right? As everyday normal people, it’s no shame to admit that we struggle to deal with uncertainty because something’s thrown us for a loop. Apprehension, fear, nervousness, worry are all perfectly acceptable feelings to have right now, but perhaps you need to learn to be kinder to yourself, aren’t you doing the very best that you can? Striving for a sense of self can be more difficult than you think, experiencing a feeling of trying to run away from everything sometimes is understandable. It’s more than okay to know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind, we all have anxiety about different things, we all have insecurities.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, what your creed, gender or nationality is, everyone experiences anxiety or stress at some point, and whilst this year is only just over halfway done, it can already take a flying fuck to itself.

Everyone needs a reset button though, don’t you want to try and fill up your little bubble with as much positivity as you can? FaceTime, Skype or Zoom calls with family and friends, every little helps. Isn’t it amusing to see how out of control some people’s hair gets when they can’t get to a hairdresser? You find and take the humour where you can.

It is tough but you need to do whatever you can to make things as easy for yourself as you can, don’t you? Take a breath, smile as much as possible, even if it’s just for yourself, right?

They say you can’t, but you can.

Some of us have an innate ability to deal with all of these challenges easier than others. That said, just because someone else can’t explain the feelings or articulate the words about their anxiety, it doesn’t make them any less valid. An actual hug might not happen for a while but you can have as many virtual ones as you need or want. You might think that some people don’t worry as much as you do and that someone else is stronger than you are. It’s bullshit, maybe that other person just thinks differently, you’ve got this. Isn’t it true that you can’t always control what goes on in your inside? You feel what you feel. Give yourself permission to fuck up now and again, nothing wrong with that. Things are difficult right now but they’ll change eventually, fingers crossed, and then it’ll be the little things that are more of a concern to you. Maybe if this shitshow teaches us anything, it’s that there is zero point sweating the small stuff, why worry about things that might never happen? Now and again, we’re all unsure of who we are and where we fit in the world, and whilst all of this isn’t helping, don’t we need to have faith in whatever is around the corner?

If you haven’t done so already, maybe today is the day where you reach out to someone who perhaps appears not to be handling things as well as you are, someone who might be struggling with their self confidence. Just be a friend, be there. Nothing wrong with offering a shoulder to cry on or to lend an ear for them to tell you anything that they need to.

You’ve got empathy, support and sympathy but never judgement. You’ll also learn, if you’ve not figured it out already that I’ve got your back, and that I’ll care about and defend you forever. Forever ever. I’m not going to blow steam up your ass though, you will be told if you mess up, harsh love is still love. Just know that someone cares and appreciates everything about you, especially right now.

Your innocence is your USP.

@TheSamMcLeod

Figure it all out on your own.

If you’re a boy and you like a girl, you tell her, don’t you? Whether you’re just up for some fun or something more, it’s always good to know where you stand, to know if you even have a chance. What if you don’t speak up though? Khaled Hosseini was probably not far off of the mark when he wrote in The Kite Runner, ‘I opened my mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had, but I didn’t.’ Male pride or stubbornness is a terrible thing at times.

Moving on from someone who did a number on you is super difficult, but you know at some point that you’ll need to take chances and get out there and make yourself emotionally available again. It’s easy to play it safe and sure, it’s okay to have trust issues, no one wants to feel pain but you have to try, don’t you? We all do things from time to time that we desperately wish we could undo but now and again, the things we don’t do or say sting the most. Regretting the things we haven’t done and the chances we didn’t take can linger in your memories for a while. Sometimes there aren’t second chances. So what if you make a mistake and don’t get the answer you want? The thing is, we fall short on occasion, we mess up sometimes, every single one of us.

Watch me take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night.

It was only a smile, nothing more but one intriguing enough to turn heads. We meet up more and more, we hang out, although the time spent together is shorter than anyone would like. We didn’t need to have stupid fights just to make up because we never argued. How amazing is it to find someone who wants to hear about all of the things that happened in your day, who wants to hear everything that you’re thinking about? Do you ever have an appreciation of how badly you’re going to miss a moment whilst you’re living it?

Life does what it does though and things change, she moves away and I don’t ask her to stay or if she wants me to go with her. I didn’t know it yet but I’d just let the girl I’d been waiting on forever to walk away and didn’t do enough to make sure she’d come back. You never think that the last time is the last time. You have forever, right? Don’t you sometimes wish that you could go back to a specific moment in your life? Unfortunately you have to figure out which direction you’re going to head in, making a decision either way is surely infinitely better than not making one at all.

We drift apart, contact becomes less and less frequent. Birthday greetings on Facebook, the odd congratulatory message when something good happens to one of us. Who wants to have a relationship on social media though?

A few days ago, fate rears its head again and we’re in touch every day. I don’t know if she’s seeing anyone and she doesn’t know if I’m with anyone but that’s not where the conversation starts off. I know I want to build up to it though and then one night, I go big.

Next year will be a game changer, a new job, a new city and country to live in, new memories waiting to be made. Who wouldn’t want to make those together with someone special? Who wouldn’t want to come with? Not her apparently, I’m immediately shot down. If I’d been more committed previously and opened up, then things would have been very different she says. It’s not a nice feeling when someone tells you that you blew it by not asking a simple question.

I was almost good for her. She told me she was in love with me but because I never told her back, she doubted me. We almost made it but I didn’t tell her that I wanted more, the timing was always off for one of us. The ghost of relationships past.

A message arrives today inviting me for drinks with mutual friends. I’m an idiot most of the time but not tonight. I need to spend some time alone. Before I met her, life was good. After her? Now it’s just after.

She tells me that I’m only her friend for now but maybe something could happen in the future. The very definition of being friendzoned. I’m not going to stop being friends with her because she might like someone else but there’s a shift in the dynamic. She’ll always be a girl friend, just never a girlfriend. It’s just something that happened, or perhaps more accurately, didn’t happen. Time to get over it, I lost her, although I never really had her. What now? You can’t keep kissing strangers and pretend that it’s someone else. Watch her maybe be in love with someone else or come to the realisation that there is zero point in trying to hold onto feelings, better just to move forward. No other choice. I almost said something but almost was never going to be enough. What an idiot.

I think, that something’s fucking wrong with me.

@TheSamMcLeod

Don’t kid yourself.

If only. Are they the two saddest words in the world?

Despite what you might think of Hillary Clinton, she once nailed a thing with just 21 words. ‘Life is too short, time is too precious and the stakes are too high to dwell on what might have been.’ Maybe one of the things we all can ever do is to hope to end up with the least amount of regrets as possible. Sure, there will always some things that you wish you can change, but is it ever really that bad, or is it experience that you can draw on? Does the potential introspection make things any easier even if something wasn’t your fault? Sometimes your emotional bucket gets full and and it can be hard not to overthink things. The guilt in the nighttime, being in bed awake and replaying all of those things that you didn’t get right sucks balls. Nothing solves your insomnia better than a big fucking glass of regret and hating yourself for a while. If you do mess up though, don’t you make right the mistakes of your yesterday today? You’ll take a win in life all day long, sometimes you accept a loss but either way you get ready to go again, don’t you? Swim upstream, whatever it is, it’s something that happened, shouldn’t we all just try and get over it?

Mistakes are just things that happen to all of us, sometimes everything goes to shit. Each one of us does things that we wish could go back and do differently. Thing is, we don’t have to be defined by the things we did or didn’t do in our past. There is zero point in spending time trying to alter any of it, it’s like trying to eat soup with a fork or thinking you’ll win an argument with a lady, absolutely pointless. It’s easy to look back and regret things, but maybe smiling at what you’ve learned is better.

Perhaps the most important part of moving forward is realising that you appreciate that you shouldn’t second guess yourself and become emotionally vulnerable. We all sit in the front row of our own lives but who wants to let down their guard and show signs of heartbreak?

The devil’s right there, right there in the details.

New York didn’t happen but not for the reason you were told. Being lied to is perhaps a bit harsh, but what you heard from someone else was wrong and my heart hurts about that. Resurrecting our plan would be nice, one day?

I should have told you how I felt as soon as I knew how I felt. I didn’t, I messed up and now we’ll never be a thing. That’ll always be a constant source of regret, even though I’m happy that you’re happy with someone else. It hurts more than you’ll ever know, sometimes you can’t see what’s right for you is there in front of you. You are a Lamborghini and I was hanging on like I was cans on the back of a fucking wedding car.

We should have never even interacted or said hello to each other, far less kissed and gone further. When you’re hurting from a breakup, you open yourself up to things that you shouldn’t because you’re in a bad place. Maybe take a minute and try to identify if someone is toxic. Good luck to the next man in your life, it’s not going to be puppies and rainbows for that guy. When you begin to doubt someone and their intentions, it’s very difficult to stop that playing in your head continually. The bad stuff that happens doesn’t always fall on your side. If you have a bag of ten snakes and nine of them are harmless but one is poisonous, you’re not putting your hand in that bag, are you? Perhaps the good thing is when something ends that wasn’t right for you is that you learn to make your fuse longer.

The attention is flattering but I’m not a location, I’m a destination. Someone can be cool, have similar interests, be sweet, but when you get to a certain stage in your life, you know what will work and what won’t. Friendship is cool but more isn’t happening. No point talking someone off of the ledge every time they’re insecure about what might come next. As long as your moral compass is in the right place, it’s okay to feel okay with yourself. Don’t speak from a place of hate, speak from a place of love. There’s nothing wrong with liking not knowing where you’ll be tomorrow or the next day, taking a few risks is fine, as long as you know what it is you want.

You can be obsessed with details and sometimes your life needs a change of scenery, especially if something isn’t right.

It’s you right there, right there in the mirror.

Messing up today doesn’t need to impact your tomorrow. Regret, remorse, sorrow are all natural emotions. Accept the shit that comes your way when you’ve fucked up, but it’s not always your fault.

Don’t punish yourself, you’re looking too closely.

@TheSamMcLeod

 

 

Not this time.

There’s a reason when you’re on an airplane that flight attendants tell you to put your own mask on first in case of an emergency. Look after yourself first and foremost, because then it makes it a lot easier for you to look after others. Sounds simple, right? Isn’t it important that you put your own needs and wants before those of anyone else? Looking after yourself and constantly discovering what and who makes you happy is probably a pretty good starting point. Some people might tell you that it’s selfish but it’s anything but. Introspection is a great thing, look at yourself and see if you’re heading in the direction you want to be going and doing all of the things that you want to be doing, whether that’s work or in your personal life. Dr Aziz Gazipura, one of the world’s leading clinical psychologists gets it. ‘Always putting others first creates deep resentment, destroys your happiness and is unsustainable. Putting yourself first allows you to meet your needs in the most skillful way. This in turn, increases your happiness, joy and capacity to love, so you can give freely and create healthy relationships.’ Healthy would be the takeaway word from that quote.

It’s too easy sometimes to think of others first, whether it’s big or small things. Someone bumps into you and you’re the one who says sorry, what’s that about? You hold a door open for someone and not even a nod of acknowledgement comes your way. You let someone cut in front of the queue at a supermarket because they have less items and they cruise on past you like you’re not even there. So shines many good deeds in what can be an unkind world, even if other people don’t appreciate the tiniest of gestures that you’re happy and willing to make. It’s easier said than done but there is zero point in wasting your energy on the things that you can’t control. A point comes when enough is enough, especially when the sacrifice is bigger. Fuck apologies, the only person you need validation from looks back at you in the mirror every day.

How long do you wait until you’ve decided that you’re tired of the way your life is going because someone is holding you back emotionally? It’s been too long for this not to be me.

I’m not perfect, I’ve got pride.

One day you wake up and just know that one person can and will change everything for the better, even if they didn’t mean to. It was a sobering moment when that penny finally dropped but there’s no room for toxic people in any of our lives. Cut them loose, won’t you feel all the better for it? Yep, it takes balls, but isn’t it a far more attractive option to hurt for a little while than to carry on hurting forever? No need for you to become a static cliche, someone who sticks about feeling unhappy just because you’re worried about what might be on the other side? Sometimes the grass is greener. Maybe it’ll be a life you’ve never experienced before, but perhaps it is. You chose to give it up to try and give someone another chance, more fool you, but you backed yourself in that moment, so why wouldn’t you do the same now?

Not everything is black and white though, but there’s plenty of colour out there going around to make things better for each of us, maybe we’ve just not all grasped that yet. Sometimes it’s hard to take but now and again, you need someone to give you a shake, to tell you words that you really need to hear. Nothing wrong with a bit of tough love on occasion. I guess there comes a day when every man draws his own line in the sand. Spending time on your own and listening to yourself is probably something that none of us do as much as we should. Sure, we’re all worried about different things but even if our progress is slow, progress is still being made.

Do you remember that feeling you had when you started something new? How it felt, how it brought a chunk of sunshine into a dark day? It’s not always going to be smooth, but you stick with it because you know the alternative made you deeply unhappy.

I had to come home to realise that it wasn’t home any more. Some people haven’t changed a bit, it’s like I was never away. With good friends, you just fall back into things seamlessly. Other people are jealous of your success, about the life you were enjoying until it gets to a point where they resent you. Those are the types of people in your life that you don’t want to make space for. Any of us can change our lives for the better but don’t hate on someone who’s taken the decision to enrich themselves just because you’re too chicken shit to do the same. I was starting to feel empathy for you but why should I?

Pity and sympathy are two different things. You can sympathise with someone and let them know that you understand any distress, grief or sorrow that they might be going through. All in all, a positive emotion. Pity is definitely more of a negative thing and you might get to the stage where you actually feel sorry for someone.

It’s not been that hard with the benefit of hindsight to decide to leave that toxic person behind. The day has come when plans need to be made to really go back home and try and rediscover that time when everything was nearly as perfect as it could possibly be. Sometimes it takes going away to bring you back.

Usually I go and take the blame but not this time. It’s our world to discover, either alone or with someone and this will be so much better alone.

I would say I’m sorry if I really meant it.

@TheSamMcLeod

JoJo’s new album, ‘Good To Know’ drops on May 1st.

That’s just being friendly.

What’s worse, too much unwanted romantic attention or no romantic attention at all?

When a relationship ends, your head and your heart can lead you in a few directions. Take some time out and look after yourself, dive straight into something serious with someone else, or even sleep with as many people as you want to with no commitment offered. Any choice you make is okay for you, but you want to try and make sure that you don’t hurt or lead anyone else on. No rocket science is involved, it’s just making the right decisions at the right times.

It gets awkward though when someone of the opposite sex mistakes kindness or politeness for flirting. You don’t need to ask for, court or invite attention, hopefully if you act as you always do, them people will treat you in a way that we’d all like to be treated. Chivalry isn’t necessarily a choice that every man makes, sometimes you just know what the right thing to do is. Always hold the door open for others. You give up your seat for a lady on a bus or a train, no questions asked. Make someone feel comfortable in your company, always behaving in a friendly manner and never crossing the lines of decency is how things should be. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being courteous.

Always good to have rules, especially with your closest friends, right?

If your job means that you have to wear a shirt and tie, your tie must be darker than your shirt, otherwise you will be called out on it if you end up looking like a waiter, no offence meant to hospitality professionals. No three-piece suits are allowed, you don’t play snooker for a living. No birthday cards are ever sent, shit, you’ll be lucky if we even remember that you’ve just turned a year older. You will be bought alcohol if someone reminds us, it just won’t be on the day. If we’re all together and it’s looking like we’re about to run out of beer, rock paper scissors will be played to decide who heads out for more. It’s also automatically understood that if any change is leftover, it stays in the pocket of whoever went. Sadly, sisters of friends are out of bounds. No moustaches will be grown unless it’s for Movember, a fantastic cause. If you get your hair cut, it won’t be commented upon, unless it’s ridiculous and you know that picture of it is being shared freely. No one expects an unanswered call to be returned, we’ll see you again at some point, you can just tell us then. No voicemails ever. Skinny jeans and turtlenecks are a no. If you invite people out for dinner, you always pick.up the bill, regardless of how many people are there. If you’re lucky enough to get a girl to go out with you, she never ever pays. Ever ever.

Do all of your rules apply though with someone you don’t know?

I’m a boy and she’s a girl. A tweet gets posted about a thing and she slides into my direct messages to ask if I’m doing okay. I respond politely, thanking her for her concern and wish her well. She chooses to keep the conversation going by asking more questions, and stupidly I answer them. My replies are always respectful but her messages start to go in a direction that I should veer away from.

I’m not sure if I should read between those lines.

Mistaking someone who’s being nice to you as being flirtatious is dangerous, especially if you’re emotionally vulnerable. If I’m accommodating and thoughtful with you, that’s just being friendly. Sure, sometimes a friendship can develop into something more but not if you start sending unsolicited things that you know you shouldn’t. The decision to hit the block button is an easy one but the courtesy remains as far as everyone else goes.

An email arrives a while later from someone I never knew existed. Clearly, we’ve never interacted, spoken to each other, far less met, but he wants to know how I know his girlfriend. Uh oh. It’s okay to be unhappy in a relationship but don’t you try and remedy that first either way, before looking for validation or an ego boost elsewhere? Do I reply, do I tell him?

What am I supposed to do?

@TheSamMcLeod

A heart of doubt.

A new year approaches and so we make resolutions. Join a gym or at least go back to the one that we’ve been paying for and not using. Stop smoking, drink less alcohol, lose weight and be healthy, take up a new hobby, spend more time with family and friends, the list is almost endless. Those are all pretty common so you might choose things that are a bit more personal.

Answering yes to more questions, to more chances of experiencing new things. It’s easy to shut yourself off at times, to just be on your own but maybe intrinsically you know that you need to mix things up now and again. The word ‘Yes’ is a sentence, first resolution makes the list. Learning to say no to other things, it’s a failing if you’re trying to please everyone all of the time. The word ‘No’ is also a sentence, second one sorted. You can be a kind person with a good heart and still say no to people. You want to know when to say no when you need to, but also when you say yes, the people around you know that you mean it. Setting boundaries can be a good idea. Sometimes you need to let people in, to let new things in or to let some things go if they’re not making you happy. Three for three, that’ll do for now, baby steps, right?

You need some things, people you care about, that you love. Sometimes you find those people when you least expect to. You can just click with someone and know that you’re both going to get along, you don’t have to pretend to be anyone else or anything that you’re not. Sure, sometimes your relationship will be going great and at others, it’ll be a bit of a struggle.

Last night we were more than fine.

In the middle of checking into a hotel and whilst the process is taking place, I look around and see her sitting in the bar. She spots me stealing a momentary glance, I’m so busted, but I get a smile so naturally one is returned. I concentrate on the person sorting out my room though, being rude is no bueno. Key collected, bags unpacked and a much needed shower after a forty hour journey is welcome. A beer downstairs follows, she’s still there and we strike up a conversation. She’s friendly, but our time ends with that one drink. A couple of days go by and I don’t see her.

Walking around the city, I randomly bump into her a few days later, smiles and awkward hugs are exchanged and we go for a drink. It turns out we like a lot of the same things, she’s also into spicy food, tequila, travel and girls. I didn’t see that coming but I like hanging out with her so why not continue to do so, everyone has friends that they’re not into in a romantic way. We have another week in the same city and we spend a lot of time together, eating, drinking, exploring. The friendship is formed and it’s sad when she has to go home.

Sussing out the benefits of any relationship is down to no one else but yourself. You can be around someone initially that you think you’re attracted to, but as time progresses, the friendship takes over and those feelings fade. No romance is on the cards but wouldn’t you want to be friends with the kind of girl you’d believe if she told you that the earth was flat and that Skittles fell from the sky? Sometimes you just vibe with someone.

We’re in touch regularly and she’s super polite, always asking about family and friends, about what’s going on, generally just a cool human being. Do you ever have a friendship though that’s a one way street? You’re always the first person in touch, the quicker to reply.

You text me when you feel like, when it feels right to you.

Days, weeks, months pass and we’re cool though, we speak, we hang out when she’s here and when I’m anywhere near her. An invite is extended to bring in 2020 together with other friends, she accepts and a plan is made.

Her plane lands, I pick her up and nothing has changed, the chat is seamless, it’s like we’ve never been apart. Neither of us have girlfriends but only one of us is looking for one, first time being a wingman for a lady.

The last day of the year is here, food and drinks with friends, always good. The bells toll to bring in the new year, we hug as is the case with everyone else, but she kisses me hard and it takes more seconds than it should to pull away. Conversing becomes difficult as I shake my head and tell her that we can’t. I love her but I’m not in love with her. It’s probably something that would’ve never happened if it wasn’t for a shit ton of tequila. Not all common interests are good.

The pain on her face is almost palpable, those falling tears hurt even more, but it’s down to excess on a special night of the year. It’s hard to look at the ruin, but it’s harder still not to find beauty in her decay, sometimes all you want is to get or give a hug.

Who doesn’t like being kissed? It has to be right though, if it’s not, then what’s the point? Isn’t it better to feel bad for a moment by saying no and stopping things going too far rather than harming you both in the long run? It’s okay to misjudge things but you always know when something isn’t coming from the right place.

On your lips just leave it, if you don’t mean it.

@TheSamMcLeod

Fist fight with the mirror.

It would be pretty amazing if we all could have a superpower, what would you go for if you could pick one? Invisibility sounds good, but definitely has the potential to get you into a shit ton of trouble if it malfunctions, I know you know what I mean. Superhuman strength would be awesome, think of all the things you’d be able to do. Move your house somewhere else without actually moving house, you’d have zero chance of losing a fight. Flying? No more need for plane tickets, who wouldn’t want to spend every weekend somewhere different? Super speed? Hello Olympic gold medal and a new world record, stand down Usain, I’ve got this. Telepathy could be a plan, but wouldn’t the moral dilemma that comes with knowing everyone’s private thoughts worry you? Unless it’s that one person that you think you might be into. Better to know than not without having to put yourself out there, right?

Couldn’t it be possible that your own personal powers are some things that you have to deal with every day? Compassion, humility, kindness, strong decision making about what or who it is you want? Perhaps the ability to never get things wrong can be a superpower.

Have you ever done something that you know you really shouldn’t have? Maybe there’s a tiny bit of rebellion within all of us, to make a choice about something that’s a terrible decision in hindsight. The age old idea that if we have a bit of forbidden fruit, our lives will be all the better for it is misguided, isn’t it?

There aren’t a lot of people in this world who are either brave or silly enough to not change, fair play to them. Sometimes you need to though, if someone isn’t making you happy any more, then why are you wasting your precious time? It’s easy to move onto someone else but maybe your point of view gets to the stage where you decide that you never have to say goodbye to someone if you never say hello in the first place.

I guess it’s kind of messed up.

There’s a girl, she’s new, chosen over someone who gets left behind, good or bad decision? In time, she becomes closer to me than most people have, yet still there was distance, an interesting dichotomy. That said, could she be a glimpse of a new life? She might be the one that I could grow old with together doing all of the things that you love to do with someone. Quickly, wrinkles appear though and we’ll definitely not be buying each other birthday cards next year. Time to make another decision, iron out the wrinkle or watch as it gets bigger and bigger. No one is a fan of ironing but for once, it’s going to be more cathartic than watching.

Daylight fades and vulnerability kicks in. With a head full of bad ideas in a bar beneath Fenway Park’s bleachers with a view of centerfield, more beer is not a good idea if you’re eleventeen drinks deep. It’s a real number, don’t even @ me. Still, a decision has to be made, and it’s the right one for a change. The night is closing in and there is no grey, things are very black and white. I gave up the best girl to settle for someone else and now I have to face the consequences, all I can do now is brace for impact. Sure, ponder the emotional turmoil, it’s okay to be alone in the world and now it’s inevitable, can’t be stopped, can’t be slowed down.

A quickening of breath happens just before the words are said. She’s a walking awkward silence, turns out no one has ever had the stones to break up with her. We all numb ourselves at times to make room for the hurt and pain that you experience with someone but don’t you want to try and remember only the good things about them and not the absolute shitshow that they’ve caused for you? A good decision over a bad one.

It would be easy to ruin a life by taking revenge, but I’m not that guy, she’s managed that all on her own.

Someone I respect more than 99.99999% of people in this world once told me that something good stays good forever. He was wrong. It would be grim to think that nobody’s story has a happy ending but this story isn’t over yet. I need to leave, to move on, out of sight, out of mind, no way am I going to miss her or this place. I can’t wait to get away, some memories are good to try and lose. Forgiveness is a personal thing, it doesn’t depend on you being in touch with the person who caused you hurt. When you’re afraid and angry because of what someone’s done to you, it’s more than okay for those emotions to feed off of each other.

Maybe if I can make it past her, I can stay in my own shadow forever, it’s no fun living in anyone else’s. Time to see if it’s possible to find harmony out of heartbreak, nothing hurts like thinking I’m not good enough.

I wish I never met you, but it’s a little too late.

@TheSamMcLeod

Catch Oh Wonder on tour next year.

Tour

Cowardly shy.

Do you ever feel more vulnerable than you do when you’re not in control of things? Vulnerability sucks, none of us wants anyone in our world to discover that we’re not as strong as we’re making out to be. Just maybe though, once you’re able to get over your fears and insecurities and even embrace them, you realise that you can and will handle whatever has come at you. As contradictory as it seems, perhaps it’s something that can make us stronger. We either learn it ourselves or we’re taught from an early age to put on our game face, to head out into the world and hide our fears. If and when we do this, aren’t we finally realising that strength comes from what fear teaches us about overcoming our weaknesses, about what being a tiny bit emotionally broken means. What you tell yourself will either increase those feelings of vulnerability or be the words that encourage you to be stronger. Hope is precious.

When you hide those weaknesses though, no one would ever know that you’re waging a war with your feelings or that you’re scared about thinking that today might be the day when you just can’t go on. Sure, it blows when things aren’t even in the general ballpark of being okay, but sometimes you need to cry on the shoulder of someone you know and trust, and sometimes you just need to figure shit out for yourself, whatever works for you. Just a part of a personal growth process probably. Who knows, maybe you can be an inspiration to the people in your life when you show a side of yourself that you never expected you might have to. Tomorrow things could and likely will get harder, perhaps harder still the day after, but not every ending has to be the end of your world.

It can be a multitude of things, maybe it’s the end of something that tugs at your heartstrings every day. You have to at least try to keep going though, don’t you? The only one who can make you give up is yourself.

The thing is, everybody gives up sooner or later.

It should never have ended and I’m still confused as to why it did. Days, weeks, months, years of pain pass, of being afraid to open up to someone else. Off of the charts vulnerability wise, but a day needs to come when the need to open up to the possibility of someone new becomes a reality. That’s all it is though, a possibility. It’s not fair on anyone new if your mind is still wandering back to someone else. You can meet someone that splits your emotions though. Is it a bad idea, a good idea? When life is tough, when you feel beaten down and someone shows interest, you try and take pleasure where you find it, right? It’s okay for your heart to need a boost.

All of us want different things from people that might become a significant other, or who at least might become something. Looks, personality, being driven crazy by someone in a good way, a person who makes you not want a good feeling to wear off, someone to make your eyes smile. What you don’t need is someone who leads you on, it turns out that people can get to you emotionally and cause you to lose your usual objectivity.

She has a nice way with words, she’s pretty, any male would take a second glance. Toss in eyes that you could fall in love with and it became easy to be entranced. If only moving on was so easy. That said, things develop. It’s something in it’s infancy, so it’s emotional rather than physical. We talk most days, you don’t speak with someone that you don’t want to. Isn’t it true though that when any two people enter into something new, someone always falls quicker than the other?

The penny drops on a trip away, looking out at one of the most spectacular skylines in the world brings clarity. It’s not fair, for once I’m the one doing the leading. Those sudden chaotic feelings of confusion, the potential of something new don’t sit well, a realisation kicks in that it’s hard to feel anything when you’re certain that you have nothing left to give because you’re still stuck in the past. No point in telling a lie or kidding on, shouldn’t you go after what you truly want, even if it’s to finally end whatever it is that you find yourself in that moment? A call goes unanswered. Sending a message to end anything is fucking awful and it’s a horrible nerve to touch, but there’s no point in giving her the PG-13 version. The reply comes, job done.

Cold hearted? Definitely. The truth though? 100%. I fucked up royally from the beginning but I also knew deep down that it was never going to be a thing.

Countless beers follow and a Hong Kong sunset becomes a Hong Kong sunrise in what seems like minutes. All I know is that I’ve wasted time looking for something that I don’t deserve yet, that I’m not ready for. I don’t want it, it’s been a dick move from the start and I’m sorry. Things will work out one way or the other, just go for what or who you know really matters.

Hours pass and I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and not because a new girl was taking up the right side.

There’s always some relief in giving up, so there’s zero point in being afraid to miss out on what might be good to try and go for something that might be beyond great. It was never anything substantial but everyone deserves to be treated honestly. I didn’t mislead you on purpose, I just didn’t know that I wasn’t ready.

I want somebody else to be with you, I want somebody else to follow through.

I was in the wrong to even entertain the thought of you. Another sunset comes, I continue to feel bad and sleep doesn’t come easily. I’m wide awake, knowing I never miss you.

I should’ve said something at the start.

@TheSamMcLeod

@YouMeMusicLife no

Love is not designed for the cynical.

Everyone makes mistakes, just part of everyday life. Hopefully the majority of them are small and reasonably insignificant though, nobody wants to fuck up spectacularly. Sure, go ahead and try anchovies. You like oysters? Try the Rocky Mountain version, they have to taste similar to the ones you could get from Prince Edward Island, right? Choosing to sit through a showing of Titanic just to try and impress a girl? There are some hours and minutes right there in your life that you’re never getting back, especially if the old yawn and arm-stretch around the shoulder trick doesn’t work. Some mistakes are bigger and obviously impact your life in a much more meaningful way. Accepting a job that you realise was a mistake as soon as you start it, nightmare. Why did I choose to live in this apartment? You should always view somewhere at night too, shouldn’t you? Picking that one person to share your life with, maybe the toughest choice of all, and possibly the easiest one to make an absolute mess of.

Pretty grim when you think about it, but some of us get a lot of things right, anchovies excepted. Life rears it’s head once more, every single one of us struggles with different things now and again, aren’t we just a person trying to find acceptance and love about something or someone, trying to make sense of different things, probably to try and make ourselves feel better? Trying to move to a new place, changing that job, saying goodbye to someone, even when you know that it’ll sting. Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same.

It’s okay for your confidence to be dented when something ends though, especially if you weren’t 100% sure about it or them in the first place. Soul searching, trying to tell yourself that it’ll be okay, don’t tell me this is all for nothing.

Do you, or have you ever had someone in your life that if you could only see them one day a year, rather than see somebody else every day of the week, you’d choose the former? Aren’t the few hours you spend with that special someone worth the thousands of hours that you spend without them?

We were young, we lived hundreds of miles from each other. She was visiting family, a mutual friend introduced us, and it became the very definition of a summer romance. Eight magical weeks spent together, giggling, holding hands, hanging out, hugging, kissing, it might have been the best summer that any 17 year old has ever had.

What were the chances of seeing her again? Zero at the time or so it seemed, but all you can do sometimes is to try and better that number and then everything is out of your hands, fate kicks in. Apparently, a school of thought exists that missing someone gets easier every day because even you’re one day further from the last time you saw them, you’re one day closer to the next time you set eyes on them. Bullshit or not?

Christmas comes and she’s here again but things are different. There are hugs, but no holding of hands, no kissing. She has a boyfriend back home now so it’s the right way for her to behave and it’s immediately understood, no words are needed. Nothing better than hanging out with someone who’s quickly becoming a best friend, I’ll take what I can get. It turns out that distance means the square root of fuck all when someone means so much, even if it might not go anywhere. Different holidays come and go,and it’s accepted that if one of us is seeing someone when we catch up, nothing inappropriate happens. Kissing is as far as it’s ever gone but when someone wants to press their lips onto you one day and then do it again the next, how can that ever be bad? Could it be more than something? A question that was never asked, simply for the reason that I might have been scared of what the answer would be.

The holiday visits slowly come to an end and contact becomes infrequent. Days, weeks, months and years pass. She started seeing someone and I’d met an incredible girl who’d give me the best gift ever. We split, she moves onto someone so much better than me and they’re happy. Life again, live in the moment, not the past. What now, miss you or forget about you? Thoughts drift occasionally but only when single life is the reality. I meet someone else and it’s an on and off thing for longer than should ever be necessary for two people. She’s a beautiful person in her own way but it doesn’t take Einstein to work out where the mind goes when it’s an off period. It’s ultimately destructive, you can’t keep covering for someone when they’re in the wrong. Sometimes the people you count on and trust the most turn on you because of their own failings. Some secrets should stay hidden though, even if you’re the one that takes the shit for them. Every day is a school day though, but if all you learn is what’s done is done, then that’s enough. Does it help or hurt? Fuck knows, I’m numb. There is absolutely no harm in trying to constantly connect dots and to forgive someone to make things right. Can it be sorted, is that even what I want?

A message comes from the girl I remember as a teenager, and whilst my smile is huge initially, it’s not by the time I finish her words. She’s now single and is reaching out. Whether as a friend or something more is clear, but who wants to be a rebound?

It’s more than okay to hurt but don’t we all need to find our own little corner of the sky to try and repair ourselves first? Being a friend is the first job, sometimes we all need reminded that hard times will pass eventually. It’s hard not to make this anything more, but I can’t mess someone about, despite how much I want to say some things. Pouncing on someone who’s emotionally vulnerable would be a dick move.

Maybe the feeling of knowing that fighting for the one that you think you love is worth it, but how do you articulate your thoughts? A feeling lingers that there could be a million people against us, but when we have that one person that stands beside you no matter what, do you even care?

You’re hurting and I hate that. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you might think, but the most important thing is I’ll always be with you. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. Every time I get a text, I hope it’s from a certain someone, you’re my favourite notification.

It’s late, I’m in my bed, you’re in your bed. One of us is in the wrong place but I can’t tell you. I wrote some words and then I stared at my feet, became a coward when I needed to speak. Who knows what could happen if you ever ask again?

I see everything you can be, I see the beauty that you can’t see.

@TheSamMcLeod

@YouMeMusicLife

The debut album, ‘Without Fear’ drops on September 27th, available online and in all good music stores. Shit, it’s likely that you’ll be able to pick it up in some bad ones too, so go and get it!