Hurting, searching and learning.

Each one of us has our own preferences on many different things, life would be boring otherwise. Take food. If you like mushrooms, what the hell are you thinking? Tinned sweetcorn, there are no words, put the can opener away and donate those vegetables to a food bank. Smoked fish of any kind, have you lost your mind?

It’s the same when you choose to be with someone new, what’s your criteria? Finding out about someone’s personality can be a slow burner whereas looks are more immediate. What you find attractive though is going to be different from what someone else does. It can be a minefield because how we view ourselves is often different from how others see us. You look in the mirror every day and perhaps tell yourself that you’re a solid 6, but everyone you interact with might see you as an 8 or a 9. Clearly, we’re all our own worst critics and with that comes insecurity. It’s a reasonable reaction to think that people who are ridiculously attractive are out of your league, there will always be someone you like who’s a tiny bit intimidating. Are you just talking your way out of rejection though by not answering or asking the question? No one likes to hear the word no.

The liking of someone starts with the little things and then you start to realise that those qualities you’re looking for are right there. You’re falling but the penny drops, she’s way out of your league. Insecurity. You make me sick to my stomach, I wish that I wasn’t me.

An invite for dinner from a couple of friends comes via text. ‘Dinner on Saturday at 8pm, bring wine and don’t dare say no. My sister is in town, we think you’ll get on well.’ There is zero amount of money that could persuade me to say yes to a blind date, there’s as much chance of that happening as me becoming the starting QB for the Jets. Curiosity gets the better of me though and I check out her Twitter. Uh oh, looks like I’m going. Put me in, coach.

I rock up and get introduced. ‘Hey’, she said as I tried to fold my tongue back into my mouth and tried not to stare. Her smile holds my gaze, it’s kind of like that part of the FedEx logo, once you see it, you can never unsee it. Now is definitely not the time to be awkward or shy. The conversation flows as easily as the wine, the night goes better than expected and numbers are exchanged. Maybe this could be something, more likely it’ll be nothing. Insecurity. Before I’m even home though a message arrives asking when we can meet up again. The three day rule is obviously bullshit, right? There are some people you meet and you’re pleased to leave their company, she wasn’t one of them.

We hang out every day for the last two weeks of her trip, the personality is there to match the looks, she’s pretty cool.

Is it any surprise that book smart people sometimes act like complete idiots? Of course I messed up on her last day when she tried to kiss me and I put my hand out to stop it happening, the first time I’ve ever done that to a girl. I didn’t enjoy the look of confusion on her face, the tears on her cheeks, far less the sight of her walking away. It feels too quick but that’s where most men want to get to with someone like her, me included. I just don’t want to be hurt again, the i word.

A message comes from her sister. ‘Looks like you might’ve fucked that up?’ That’s like saying that the Titanic encountered an issue or two. Maybe her attitude softens when another one comes a while later asking if I’m okay. I’m miles away from being okay, I couldn’t see okay through binoculars right now.

You need to take a chance now and again, don’t you? Is it natural to want to try and stop your world from turning so you can figure shit out? It’s rare in life when everything you want lines up just right, but isn’t it true that the worst set of circumstances is always what your brain conjures up? Never mind what the reality is, the fiction always seems more real. Maybe you don’t get through discomfort or pain easily. Sometimes life throws you a curveball, a little roadblock on the place you need to get to. We might always have that tiny bit of self doubt, but perhaps you have to go with what you know in your heart and trust yourself. No one is out of anyone’s league, you might think that you don’t have a chance but how would you know if you haven’t even asked?

After being alone for a while, it’s strange when your thoughts start to include another person. A message is sent with an explanation, hoping for a reply. Time to wait.

Take a breath.

@TheSamMcLeod

Call me Superman.

Most people probably have a day of the year that we enjoy and like best. Our birthday? New Year’s Day or New Year’s Eve, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Australia Day, Saint Patrick’s Day, All Saints’ Day, Liberation Day, there are way too many to mention.

How about Lupercalia? If you’re not Italian, it’s understandable if you’ve never heard of it or have no idea what it is. Shit, even if you are, it’s perfectly understandable to have zero clue about the origin of it. Just an ancient Roman festival held every year between February 13 and February 15 celebrating fertility and health, who doesn’t want to be have both of those things? Spotted the day that falls in the middle yet?

Valentine’s Day, what an absolute minefield, even if you’re in a relationship. Do you celebrate it, what do you buy your significant other, do you cook, do you have reservations about even doing anything at all? Fuck it, go all in or don’t bother at all, reservations are for restaurants, aren’t they?

A lot of the days mentioned have become commercialised but that’s not to say that they mean anything less to any of us. The fourteenth day of the shortest month of the year can be a tough one if you’re on your own. It’s too easy for thoughts to turn to the last boy or girl that you can’t stop thinking about. Maybe you told them how you feel, maybe you didn’t, but you still think about them, don’t you? If they said yes or no, then things go one way or the other. You get together or you don’t. If you didn’t ask, then how will you ever know, especially if you can’t stop thinking about them? Is it worse if they know and they don’t do anything about it?

The person that whenever they decide to be in touch with you has the ability to make you doubt yourself beyond reason. Emotions and feelings, it would be nice sometimes if they just fucked off. Who wants to second guess themself, to be anxious, to ask if this is something that you really want to pursue or that you should simply let go of. Isn’t the first step is to figure it out for yourself, and then take a deep breath and choose which way you’re headed? Identifying the emotions that you can’t stand feeling about someone is super important.

Sounds easy when you say it, but you know they’re your emotional kryptonite.

It’s easy for that someone to make you feel rejected or worthless but deep down you know that you’re not. Feelings again, do they really help though? Just when you think you’ve moved on from what you had or what it is that you think you wanted, an email drops into your inbox. The ping of your cell lets you know that you have a new text. Some people even go old school and write you a letter or send you a card, the sound of the letterbox means you have mail, always exciting to see what’s come for you. Except when it’s not.

By their very nature, emotions that we can’t tolerate feeling, overwhelm us. Do you respond? How many times have you gone to try and send an email or a text message and then read it back and delete it before sending? Should you even reply in the first place? You were doing okay and now they’ve made the first move and you need to make a choice. Reply or delete, the ball is in your court now. Doubt though. It’s important to remember that it’s just a feeling, it’s not going to kill you. Carry on with the way things are going or take a chance and type out some words that might change everything for you, how do you choose?

Maybe it’s a new dilemma for you, difficult not to feel like you stumbled in and bumped your head.

I’m in a hotel for a week and everyone knows that they can be a pretty lonely place. Still, it is what it is, so you try and make the best of it. When you’re in a strange city and you don’t know anyone, it can be difficult to meet people. Nothing new, we’ve all been there. A day off comes up, but you’re always awake at the same time, so I get up, throw on the running gear and head out. As I’m pasing through reception, I spot a fellow guest, she catches my eye too and we smile at each other. It’s not even 6am and she looks immaculate, clearly out of my league, so I think no more of it, other than it’s a nice start to the day.

I bump into her the next day, and the next and the next one after that. She’s super shy, but friendly and we talk when we see each other. If you can make someone laugh, make someone smile, then regardless of anything else, isn’t that a cool thing? The aforementioned loneliness is sorted by spending time together, chatting, sharing wine and talking about different places and things that we’ve done. Could it ever be something? For once, my head and my heart align and I think not, but it’s still cool to spend time with someone that you have fun with. I don’t ask the question because I know that she’ll say no and I don’t want to hear that word, I just enjoy the moment. Let’s face it, It would be like if I glued my head to a railroad track and then waited for a train to come along. We’re inseparable for the next week and the other people that have shared our time, told me to go for it but I can’t, no is not a nice word. I can see in her face that she knows what I think but the week ends and we both go our separate ways.

We see each other again more than once, but it’s friendly, nothing more, but I know that she knows, that I know. Time to distance myself, there is no contact for what seems like an eternity but I’m cool with it.

Lupercalia, the middle day comes along, and there’s a card that drops through the letterbox, and a message that pings into my phone. ‘Happy Valentine’s Day.” Just ignore them and wait for my stomach to stop bouncing around? It’s hard to decide.

Call me Superman.

@TheSamMcLeod
@YouMeMusicLife

What dreams are made of.

Day 6.

Everyone has experienced one of those type of days. You wake up in the morning and you’re not motivated to do anything. Sometimes, maybe you can do nothing and laze the day away, but chances are that you still have things to be getting on with. It’s just life, but so full of duties, personal issues and responsibilities that sometimes it can be impossible to know where to start. None of us likes to admit it, but aren’t we all are struggling to get motivated from time to time? Often we simply can’t get started with doing what we need to do. It can be a daily struggle, just a circle that we can’t seem to escape. Things will change though, won’t they?

There’s an old Chinese proverb that probably nails it if you’re struggling. “Deep doubts, deep wisdom; small doubts, little wisdom.”

Doubt can be a useful thing, it keeps you guessing. Can you know the strength of yourself until you’ve been tested? What do you do to try and make things better, doubt your doubts before you doubt yourself? It’s okay, being scared about whatever you want to achieve in 2019 is natural. What’s the point in ever doubting your own instinct? Doubt everything, find your own motivation to do what you need or want to do next year. If you’ve ever met someone that’s famous or successful and you’ve managed to spend some time with them, you know intrinsically that even they have doubts, that they have fears, that they have worries. They just don’t let these feelings stop them from pushing on. Not a bad lesson to learn as a new year gets closer.

It’s tough to always be strong though, and perhaps the worst part about that to the people in your life, is that no one seems to ever ask if you’re okay. One of the problems with the world is that some people are always so certain of themselves, whilst maybe the wiser ones can be full of doubt. That’s fine, you figure out your own motivation, what’s going to make you happy. Letting someone else be a roadblock to what makes you fulfilled on your journey to your goals is stupid. Doubt will kill your dreams before failure ever will.
Show no fear, have no regrets, display no weakness. This might sound tough as this year closes but don’t waste a second of your life, it’s too short and you’re too fucking special.

We’ve all had a lot dreams growing up. Time to make some of them come true? Will there be difficulties? For sure, but these challenges will make you feel better once you get what you want to achieve.

Hard work and determination can take you where you want to go if you have an idea or a plan. Is there doubt about what lies ahead? Absolutely. Is there trepidation? You’d better believe it. What’s the point wondering about what if though? Several plans have been made, it’s your turn now. It could be a big year ahead for you if you want it to be one.

Just watch. Set, ready, go for the take off.

@TheSamMcLeod
#YouMeMusicLifeResolutions