No one looks innocent.

There’s about to be a wedding, another man is going to be lost overboard. Before the groom walks down the aisle though and meets his beautiful bride, there needs to be a bachelor party/stag do. It’s a rite of passage, it could be tame, it could be wild but it has to happen. Have a day at a spa if that’s what the main man wants, but don’t you want to try and go big, make it something unforgettable? Forgettable is probably more likely if your collective night pans out the way you all want it to. Well, maybe not all of you.

Back in 2007, two friends had an idea for a movie and wrote a script called ‘What Happens In Vegas’. It was quickly snapped up by a studio but due to various legal difficulties, it didn’t look like it was ever going to be a thing. Two years later however, Warner Bros picked up the rights to the script, promptly renamed it ‘The Hangover’ and made it the first part of what would become the most successful R-rated comedy franchise of all time. Is it a good idea to try and replicate as much of that film experience as possible or not?

George Carlin was widely regarded as one of the best stand-up comedians ever. Chuck in that he was an actor, author and social critic too, and it’s hard not to recognise the genius of the man. He once posited that you should ‘Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.’ Las Vegas, stupid people, a large group, what could possibly go wrong? On your own, you can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for shithousery levels of stupidity, nothing beats teamwork.

I always put myself in destructive situations.

If you’re responsible for such a shindig, you need to listen to the needs and wants of everyone that’ll be going. Some ideas are infinitely more ridiculous than others but don’t you try to make them all happen?

The accommodation is sorted with a pool that leans out over the side of the building. Chuck in butler service and you just know that man is going to deserve every dollar of his tip once the weekend is over.

Not all of us drive, but the Las Vegas Motor Speedway is a popular option where you can tear it up in Ferraris, Lamborghinis, McLarens and Porsches. I wouldn’t trust any of these idiots on a bicycle but each to their own. Who in their right mind would want to fly a fighter jet? This guy, and despite some medical advice that it’s a fucking terrible idea, the aviators were packed. None of us have any clue what a hammerhead stall, tail spin or torque roll is but I guess we’ll find out. I’ve already gifted my flat to someone if I don’t make it back alive. Laying your hands on everything from pistols to fully automatic rifles and sub-machine guns at a shooting range doesn’t sit well so the three of them can have at it. There’s a bar across the street, bourbon wins out.

It’s almost a scene from Ocean’s Eleven but cards at the Bellagio is a must. Throw in the complimentary Manhattans and Negronis and you know that the two Scottish boys will kick the balls out of that. Not so sure about the Kiwi or the Yank, but we’ll see and it’s unlikely that any bank heists will take place. I’m not saying that one of us knows how to count cards but I’m also not saying that one of us can’t, seems there are added benefits to a maths degree. Getting a black eye or broken jaw in the back room of a casino would be a story to tell the grandchildren, cliche as hell but probably worth it. There’s a tour of bars that comes with free IPAs’, rookie move Vegas, a day of takings in the red awaits. Who doesn’t think that drinking more beers and renting jetskis on Lake Mead is a good idea?

Pretty vanilla though, time to step it back up. Jump off the Stratosphere, basically a controlled free fall before hitting the Strip, hopefully feet first. Hijacking the pool at the Mandalay Bay, getting led astray by the poolside casino and enjoying the view for the three of us that are single. All are stupid ideas but it’s not really our weekend, or is it? Maybe this kind of trip is for everyone except ironically, the groom? He has to behave to a certain extent whilst everyone else can go crazy. Stupidity has a knack of getting in the way but everything will be alright in the morning, won’t it? As long as the night doesn’t involve acquiring a random baby or stealing a tiger, the night can be counted as a success. Famous last words.

Just getting him to the church safely is the ultimate goal but that can wait for now.

We’ve got a big, big mess on our hands tonight.

@TheSamMcLeod

You’ve got it at your fingertips.

You’d do anything for the people in your life that you care about, wouldn’t you? No cry for help or question goes unanswered if a call comes, when you’re needed, you’re there. An email, a text, maybe a visit needs to happen. Shit, sometimes, your presence isn’t necessarily wanted or expected, but when you know something is wrong, you get there, you help in any way you can. Sometimes a cuddle is needed, sometimes harsh words need to be said, albeit in a caring way, sometimes just being around when that someone finally realised that when they need someone to pour their heart out to will help, even if they don’t realise it in that initial moment. We all have two ears and one mouth, sometimes it’s much better to listen than speak, especially if it’s someone who tugs at your heartstrings because they’re struggling and they need you, or they need someone.

We all need someone now and again, especially when you can’t tell that you’re bigger than the sea that you’re sinking in.

A visit becomes a little tougher when they’re over 8000km away, although an offer is made, yet politely gets declined. Calls happen though, texts are exchanged, thank goodness for FaceTime. That said, it’s never easy to watch a friend struggle, to see them cry, to be able to witness their fragility. It doesn’t take too long to catch on to the things that she’s trying to say without her being able to articulate the words. What advice can you give from so far away without everything that leaves your mouth sounding like a cliche? ‘It’ll all get better in time, there are plenty more fish in the sea, you were better than him anyway.’ How easy it is for those words to sound hollow? Finally something I say makes sense, ‘How about heading away for a few days somewhere, have a change of scenery and try and collect your thoughts?’ A couple of days pass and I don’t hear from her, but you give the people in your life what they need, even if that’s a little bit of space. You can try and help all you want to but sometimes, they need to get to a place on their own when they begin to think that they’ll be okay.

A call comes and she’s at the airport. Not her airport, my airport, can I go and get her? I can’t, but she knows where I live and she knows that my neighbour has a spare set of keys so she heads there. Work is finally done, I get back to my place and she’s already there, is already in pyjamas and has managed to demolish a large part of a bottle of bourbon. Usually this would be a great night together, music on, maybe a film and just hanging out. Given everything that’s happened though, letting her finish the bottle would be a bad idea. We sit, we talk, she cries, we hug and awful television is watched.

She falls asleep so I take the chance to make up the spare room, who doesn’t like fresh bedding, although by this point, I doubt she’d even notice. I pick her up, lay her gently into bed and pull the covers over her. I head for the kitchen, grab a couple of bottles of water from the fridge and stick one on each side of her on the bedside tables. The lights get turned out in her room and I watch the rest of the shitty TV show and make sure that there will be no bourbon left by morning.

It’s been a long day emotionally so it’s time for bed. I climb in and as soon as my head hits the pillow, sleep isn’t far behind me. I’ve no idea how long it is, but I feel something, turn over and there she is next to me with her hands on me, trying to kiss me. A few years ago, absolutely. Right now? Zero chance. We have a difficult conversation, mostly because she’s still drunk but I lead her back to the spare room and put her to bed. Again.

Her actions are understandable, maybe we’ve all been there. Perhaps nothing numbs the sting of a breakup quite like a rebound fling or relationship. Toxic for some people, but maybe beneficial for others. Maybe sometimes it could grow into something amazing, but this isn’t one of those times. Don’t you both need to be on the same page about whatever the fuck this is? No point in dragging someone else into your emotional horror show while letting them believe that there’s a chance that your new relationship could be something real. Sure, it’s easy to assume that once they’ve finally healed from their breakup, that they’ll look to you as the knight in shining armour who swept into their life at just the right time to make it all better, but how is that a basis for something new?

It’s more than okay to hurt, but maybe if you’re in pain, you should try and heal, rather than move onto someone else straight away. A rebound will never the best idea you’ve ever had, everything should happen with dignity and especially when you’re sober. Take time to heal before committing to someone new, right?

No one wants to be the first person to be picked out of a lineup of a potential new partner.

It’s not going to be fun if I start to get feelings for her in a different way, there’s no way that it’ll happen though, to make her hope that things will be anything different, anything more than just a friendship. Once upon a time, maybe, but she chose someone else and that’s okay, but no one should want to be a rebound, I certainly don’t. Hopefully the morning comes, she remembers and apologises, or forgets completely. It’s okay to be alone and wait for the right girl but what’s the point in ever allowing your own loneliness to drive you into the arms of someone that you know that you don’t belong with?

It’s not difficult to get over the possibility of a relationship that I wasn’t even in, but it doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t hurt for her.

The morning comes, I’m awake first and breakfast is made, complete with a shit ton of coffee. She wakes, comes through, looks at me, hugs, says sorry and that’s enough. Saying sorry is always enough. She’ll be okay in time, cliche again, but she’ll always have a friend who has her back.

She stays for a few more days and we do things that friends do. It’s okay to put your arm around someone when they’re hurting, long walks are cathartic. She’s still hurting but K, I know that you’ll be okay.

I know you think your fire is burning out but I still see you shining through, you’ve got it in you.

@TheSamMcLeod

A reason for all that I do.

An ex girlfriend of mine once went to a psychic. She was asked to take photos with her of the most important people in her life. Clearly, I featured in this and the psychic saw my photo and was happy to tell the then girlfriend about what she could expect from me.

The almost verbatim quote is “He’s good for you but he’s Peter Pan, he’ll never grow up”

When I heard this, I thought it was incredibly harsh. I was 24 at the time, I had a girlfriend who I loved but I also saw my friends regularly, I enjoyed a night out, with and without her, where was this coming from?

How could someone know that from one photo? I’m sceptical about the whole psychic/horoscope thing, I can’t see how anyone can guess what is in someone’s future. That said, I understand that a lot of people put a lot of faith and trust in it and I massively respect that.

How amusing is irony though? Fast forward to years later. I live on my own in a flat that I love. I have a massive television. I have music pictures on the wall. I have foreign movie posters adorning my hallway. I have a video games console. I have a MacBook. I have separate wardrobes for work clothes and casual clothes. I have bookcases on every single wall. Christ, I even have a trouserpress, it is clearly a boy pad.

More and more, I’ve thought about that day and how maybe what that psychic predicted was going to be true.

Newsflash, not true. I’ve changed my thinking and some of these things will be no more. It’s time to grow up and evolve and I’m looking to share my life with a girl who has become my best friend. Scary times, yet exciting at the same time. Holidays, house hunting, every day is an adventure.

I just want you to know.